I was 24 years old and I was pretty sure that I was pregnant. For some reason I just didn’t think this would happen to me. I was afraid to tell my boyfriend. I was afraid to tell anybody. I remember being confused, scared and too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. I was getting sick at work every morning so I decided that I had better go to the doctor to be sure that I was pregnant. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and asked me about my situation. He also gave me the phone number of an abortion clinic. When I told my boyfriend, he told me that he didn’t want the baby and he wanted me to get an abortion. I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the heart. I didn’t know what to do. I had no family to turn too and no friends close enough that I could even begin to talk to about all this. I started feeling very alone and afraid. I tried to talk to him about it but he was adamant. Get an abortion. He said he would pay for it and drive me over there. I felt cornered and too afraid to argue with him or try to talk to anyone else!
I had the abortion on February 4th. It is a day that I will never forget. I remember there were picketers outside the clinic that we went to in Peoria. I remember how cold it seemed in there and looking at all those other girls, some very young, and I remember how scared they all looked. I remember my name being called and wanting to run out of the clinic screaming it isn’t fair. Why did this have to happen to me? What if something goes wrong? What will they tell my parents? During the whole procedure, I felt so alone. After the abortion, I felt this huge void, I just felt dead inside, no emotion, no nothing, it was a feeling I carried for a very long time. I broke up with the guy I had been involved with, I just couldn’t face him anymore. I started drinking, doing drugs; whatever it took to just forget. It took several years before I even began to think about a serious relationship with anyone. But eight years later, I met my husband and thought maybe this relationship wouldn’t be like the last one. He was kind and caring. I was getting tired of drinking and drugging; I needed someone who really cared about me, someone I could trust. Our relationship became serious and we got married and had two children.
I decided to start attending a small church. One Sunday at church, a woman gave her testimony. As I was listening to her, she started talking about an abortion she had several years ago, and how it had affected her life. She called it Post Abortion Syndrome. I remember sitting in the pew with my two children and I started crying……tears streaming down my face. I didn’t understand what was going on with me. She mentioned a bible study she had gone through and how that bible study had healed her and after church I went up and talked to her. She said that they were going to be starting up a group for this bible study and would I be interested in attending? So, I said yes, not really sure of what I was getting into but for some reason drawn to it. I started going to this bible study, called Binding Up the Broken Hearted which is led by women who have gone through the heartbreak of abortion. It wasn’t easy…..I changed my mind on the first day driving into Pontiac. I burst into tears and thought I must be crazy; I can’t talk about my abortion. I remember sitting in the parking lot crying and too afraid to go inside.
Finally, they came out looking for me and convinced me to come in. Anyway, I stayed and came back each Monday for 10 weeks. There were many times I had to force myself to go. But God opened my heart, and all the anger, hurt, shame, guilt and bitterness that I had carried inside of me since my abortion came pouring out. I lost 25 pounds, I spent hours in my bedroom crying, but the Lord was cleaning me out. And very slowly, I started to turn to God. I started praying to God from my heart, praying from a heart that was hurt, a heart that knew things were not right. I always prayed in the barn early in the morning; it was quiet and peaceful. And one morning, after a sleepless night, I went out to the barn to pray. I carried such a heaviness in me; it was becoming unbearable; I just did not know how much more I could take. I fell to my knees and I just cried out to God asking for forgiveness for my abortion. I had murdered my own child. I was so sorry for what I had done. I was kneeling and sobbing and I realized how much pain I had caused Him. The Lord gives us children as a gift, a blessing and I had messed it all up with my own selfishness. And at that moment, something…..I don’t know…..a peace, a stillness filled me. I felt as if all this weight had been lifted from me and I felt a comfort come over me that I had never felt before.
You see, only in my need, did I realize how much I needed Him. He used something so painful as my abortion to bring me to Him. My abortion was the sin that was separating me from having the relationship with Him I so desperately needed. That was 4 years ago and since that time I have begun a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I see the world with a new heart and an understanding that can only come from Him. He has taken away the hurt, the anger, guilt and shame that I had carried inside for so long. Whenever I think of what Jesus went through, the persecution, the pain and suffering he endured for me so that I could be free from my sin, it just makes me want to cry. He died so that I could be forgiven and learn how to forgive others. Only in His grace, can I stand before Him knowing that He loves me and cares for me, He has filled that huge hole in my heart and I no longer carry the emptiness that I had inside. I now see my worth through His eyes. He has changed me and I can never thank Him enough for loving me just as I am.